Chaos, Control, Contract, & Connecting the Dots: Part 2
While reading Suzanne Collins’ latest addition to the Hunger Games saga, I couldn’t help drawing parallels to our own current state of affair, what it means to be a leader, and the choices we all are going to make in the coming month. How chaos, control, and contract, all weave their way in and out of our daily life, and what that means for leadership, and power. The quotes included in this three-part post are all taken from The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes.
Part Two: Control
“His mind could fixate on a problem like that — anything, really — and not let go. As if controlling one element of his world would keep him from ruin. It was a bad habit that blinded him to other things that could harm him. A tendency towards obsession was hardwired into his brain and would likely be his undoing if he couldn't learn to outsmart it.”
“She would like the baby brought to her room.” The nurse said as she entered the room. My eyes turned to the bassinet, looking at the little baby boy swaddled in a muslin blanket -- tiny little elephants weaving around him and a baby blue knit beanie on his head. This boy was meant to be our son and entered the world just over 24 hours earlier.
“Does she want us to come down as well?” I asked, catching the nurse’s eye as she started to wheel the baby towards the door. Her face was covered with a mask, a precaution of the pandemic that sent the state into lockdown just 15 days prior.
The nursery was a small room with thin walls directly next to the nurse’s station. Overnight we could overhear conversations about what new regulations the hospital was putting into effect with the pandemic and the nurses fitting themselves for N95 masks. There was a chance that we were not going to be allowed to stay in the hospital, but luckily a compromise was made, and we were given a room in an unoccupied wing adjacent to the obstetrics unit. We could only hold and feed the baby in the nursery so our time was mostly spent on two uncomfortable wooden rocking chairs padded with hospital pillows and blankets.
“No, she said she wants to be alone with the baby.” She replied
My heart sank. Just an hour prior a social worker with child protective services visited us. Our adoption situation was unique in that our birth mother had other children that were currently with a foster family. The state was mandated to open a case for any new child born by the mother, due to her current involvement with the system. While this was standard protocol, and we were made aware that this would be happening, all of the details of the situation were not properly communicated through the appropriate channels, and as our birth mother slept, we talked with a social worker, who appeared to be freshly out of college, giving her what information we could about our adoption plans. Her hesitation in speaking with us was palatable as she fought to figure out the details.
Nothing was guaranteed until the paperwork was signed. We knew we were in a high-risk scenario and that we were potentially exposing ourselves to a disappointment that was not going to be easy to overcome. Ultimately, we made the choice to be the first people to do skin-on-skin contact with the baby. I made the choice to cut the umbilical cord. We held him, fed him, and stayed with him through the first night of his life.
And now we were in an empty nursery, without him, and without any control of what would come next.
“You can blame it on the circumstances, the environment, but you made the choices you made, no one else. It's a lot to take in all at once, but it's essential that you make an effort to answer that question. Who are human beings? Because who we are determines the type of governing we need. Later on, I hope you can reflect and be honest with yourself about what you learned tonight.”
In control. Out of control. Lose control. Gain control.
Control is a paradox based on perception. With the exception of using brute force, and even then, it could be argued, no one can truly control anything. Yet, in order for us to build security, be looked at as a trusted leader, build a following, or even gain power there must be the perception of control.
Our birth mother had control to make the request to be alone with the baby. It would be one of the last times that she would be able to exercise that control. It was not up to me to decide what came next, we were merely along for the ride.
As leaders, especially small business leaders, we have the honor to earn the authority and control over those we lead. Our employees and teammates trust enough in the vision of the business, the purpose of an organization, or the impact they can have. They make a sacrifice in joining a team, many times working longer hours, taking a lower than average salary, or having to pave their own way. They put skin in the game because they trust the vision and the leader.
During this pandemic, employees have had control over the choice to stick it out through the hard times or to throw in the towel and take the unemployment benefit or seek a more stable position elsewhere. Leaders have also been put in a position to make hard choices, some that may have changed the entire infrastructure of the business.
Leaders have been faced with a decision to either retreat or release. Retreat by under-communicating, dealing with the fall out as employees feel as though they’ve lost control of their stake in the business. Release by relinquishing some of their own control, being open about the decisions the business is facing, and relying on the power of their team’s collaboration to dig in, think creatively, and show resilience.
I’ve witnessed this with my own team. Although we are small, by remaining open about how the business has been impacted by the pandemic, I’ve noticed everyone has become more engaged with our future success, exerting control over what they can do to ensure our business not only survives the pandemic but is going to thrive on the other end.
“There is a point to everything or nothing at all, depending on your worldview.”
In any grocery store in America, there is an aisle dedicated to breakfast cereals. Colorful cardboard boxes are facing forward and boasting their appeal. Without even acknowledging it, your choice is subtly influenced by the placement of certain cereals at eye level, or hang tags mentioning savings, or a bold box that showcases a cereal’s health benefits. Once you are in the mindset of making a choice, you feel you are in control. You have the control to “be healthy” or “splurge for the sugary choice.” Your mind may subconsciously recall a memory from childhood like getting the “okay” to have a second bowl of your favorite cereal on a Saturday morning while watching cartoons. Your body releases serotonin, making you feel even more attached to the choice.
Behind the cartoon spokes-characters and shiny cardboard exteriors, the majority of breakfast cereals are composed of the same core ingredients, many of which are processed and enriched. We may know that starting the day with a big bowl of empty carbohydrates is less healthy than a plate of unprocessed raw food, but we have been conditioned to the idea that cereal can be a healthy way to start the day. I would argue that humans (mainly Americans) live more comfortably when they have a perceived notion of control. We like to have the power of choice, but also don’t want to be entirely responsible for the choice. We are in control when we choose the yellow box instead of the blue one, even though it’s really the cereal aisle that is in control of us.
While this example is surface level, the same trends hold true as we dig deeper. A cornerstone of Capitalism is the perception of choice. You can “choose” your healthcare provider, the state you live in, your representative, and your elected officials, but for you to truly have any control in those situations, you have to engage, contribute, and actually work to impact a collective effort. For many, I would argue that it’s more American to choose a cereal brand than it is to vote.
As humans, we are hardwired to conserve energy, which in turn, translates to taking the easy way out. Our brains are wired to create efficiencies so that we are prepared for a fight or flight moment where we are face-to-face with a beast in the wild. When’s the last time you went hand-to-hand with a wild beast? Exactly. This “human-nature” has turned us into a complacent nation, and we are perfectly content with the choice to tune into the news channel that we’ve deemed to be true, instead of trying to find the truth for ourselves.
I take the stance that humanity, beneath it all, is good-natured. That negative actions are a learned trait and now with social media, we are often conditioned to see the differences before we see the sameness. There are powers, not beyond our control, but beyond our self-awareness that continues to provide an “easy way out.”
Ultimately, that little baby boy wrapped in elephants did make his way back down to the nursery. The appropriate paperwork was signed, and Kris and I officially became the legal guardians of little Campbell.
Our birth mother said that she chose us because we saw a “life within a life.” While she was in control of that choice, we were the shiny cereal box in the aisle. I’ve struggled to figure out what she meant by that statement. We’ve chosen to remain open with our adoption and plan to continue communication with our birth mother through Campbell’s life. We are aware that this is not the easy way out, and that we now have the authority to control what that openness looks like. While we have control, ultimately there will come a time where Campbell wants to know his birth mother. When that time comes, I want to say we did not take the easy way out, that we’ve respected our agreement and we’ve respected that “life within a life”.
Think of what you control, and what may be controlling you in your life. What are you doing with the trust you’ve earned, the team you lead, the lives you impact. Are you living up to the standards you have set for yourself?
